Little Bird Page 9

‘She dumped him.’

  ‘Oh. That’s not what I heard.’

  ‘Well, that’s what happened,’ I said.

  Tegan shrugged and stared out the window again. And that was it – for some reason she’d shut down on me. Anything I said was met by monosyllabic grunts or shrugs. I sat there, going over our brief conversation, trying to work out what I’d said wrong. It was a long, prickly ride to school. As the bus pulled into the driveway, Tegan reached into her bag and pulled out a neatly folded piece of paper. She shoved it into my hand.

  ‘What’s this?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s a letter. Read it later.’

  ‘Okay.’ I smiled. Tegan and I used to write each other letters all through high school, about our feelings and stuff. Neither of us had written one for ages. Back in those days, when me and Tegan had a fight we nearly always made up through letters. ‘I’ll see you in English,’ I said.

  Tegan still looked strained. ‘Read the letter, okay?’

  I sat down on ‘our bench’ under the peppercorn tree to read it before class.

  Dear Ruby-lee,

  We’ve been friends a long time. This is hard for me. I’ve thought about this a lot and there’s no easy way to say it. Lately I’ve felt us drifting apart. Since we’ve come to College I’ve grown up heaps. I’ve got a boyfriend and new friends. Things are changing in my life. Things I’d usually share with a best friend. But I feel like I can’t talk to you about anything.

  I’ve changed but you haven’t. At first I thought you were serious about Spence but now I’ve realised the truth. You live in a fantasy world Ruby-lee. You’re not ready to grow up. And that’s why I think we should admit to ourselves that our friendship has come to a natural end.

  I’ve tried to carry you at College, but I can’t do that anymore and it’s not my job. I just have to be selfish right now and think about myself and my own needs. I know you think this is all about Blake but Blake is a symptom not the cause.

  One last word of advice. You should be careful about what you say about you and Spence because people could get hurt.

  Thanks for all the good times.

  Tegan

  I sat in shock. I couldn’t believe it. After twelve years, Tegan was ending our friendship. I mean she’d stopped talking to me before, quite often actually, but after she cooled off we always took up where we’d left off.

  I read the letter again. Maybe she was right. Maybe we had grown apart. She had Blake, she had Cadets. What did I have? A sister who I was too scared to talk to. A confusing kaleidoscope of feelings for Spence. And what about Maisy? I had Maisy, didn’t I? Every Sunday I was responsible for another whole human life. Didn’t that make me grown up?

  I drifted to my first class in a daze. It was Indonesian and I let the soothing sounds of a foreign language wash over me. I think the teacher, Trish, took pity on me, because she let me sit there for the whole class without contributing anything. Every now and then she’d write words on the whiteboard and I’d dutifully copy them into my exercise book, without having a clue what I was writing.

  Suddenly everyone was standing up. I stood too automatically and looked dully around me. My classmates were gathering their books, slinging their bags on their shoulders . . . What was going on? Was it a fire drill? A bomb threat? Oh, right. The class was over. I packed my books and my pen in my bag.

  ‘You look like you could do with some fresh air, Ruby-lee,’ Trish said.

  I blinked and nodded. I couldn’t look at her, in case I started to cry. Crying in front of a teacher would be as mortifying as the time my tracksuit elastic broke at the primary school running carnival and everyone saw my Strawberry Shortcake knickers.

  I wandered outside. I didn’t know where to go. All those weeks that Tegan hadn’t been talking to me I’d hung out at our bench, hoping every day that she’d sit down next to me and start yakking as though nothing was wrong. But it felt, I don’t know, desperate to go there now. It would show how incapable of change I was. I marched around the school buildings, trying to keep up a pace that would seem to anyone watching me (as if anyone was) that I had somewhere to go. But the problem with walking faster is that you get nowhere faster and nowhere ends up being back where you didn’t want to be. Halfway around the school for the second time, I swivelled on my heel and strode towards the cafeteria instead. Tegan sat at one of the central tables, cosying up to Blake. Before I could swivel again, Blake and Tegan saw me too.

  13

  All the colour drained out of Tegan’s face. My hands started shaking. Blake put his arm around Tegan and murmured something in her ear. (As if I’d done something bad to her!) They were with a group of Blake’s friends. Tegan’s friends too, I suppose. Girls all dolled up in make-up, looking like they’d stepped out of a Sportsgirl catalogue; a couple of Cadets guys, one huge, the other skinny with an enormous Adam’s apple.

  And all of them were staring at me, waiting to see what I would do. In fact it seemed like the whole cafeteria was staring at me.

  I closed my eyes for the briefest moment, shutting the whole world out. There was temporary relief in the darkness, but then I had to open them again, and the world, Tegan – they were all still there.

  One of Tegan’s friends snorted, ‘What is she on?’

  ‘Hey, Ruby-lee!’ I saw a blur of red hair, a long lanky arm waving in the air.

  ‘Oh, Ed. Hi.’ My voice was shaky, though I was enormously relieved to see him. Ed seemed oblivious of Tegan and her crowd. He even looked pleased to see me.

  ‘Are you all right?’ he asked, studying my face.

  ‘Would you do me a favour?’ I asked. ‘Would you walk out with me? Pretend, you know, that we’re . . .’

  I was going to say friends, but I didn’t get to finish the sentence. Ed put his arm around me, kissed my cheek and steered me out of the building as if we were a couple.

  When we were safely out of view I pulled away, embarrassed.

  ‘What was all that about?’ he asked. ‘I’m not going to get my nose broken by a jealous ex-boyfriend, am I?’

  ‘Ex-boyfriend? Hardly. Ex-best friend. And no nose-breaking. At least, I don’t think so. Actually, she is kind of tough. She’s in the army.’

  ‘I’ve got good defences.’

  ‘Yeah? What kind of defences?’

  Ed waved his arms in the air, ran around in a small circle, his long limbs flailing about. He threw his head back and cried, ‘Eek, eek!’

  I snorted. It felt good to laugh after the morning I’d had. ‘Very manly.’

  He dropped his arms. ‘What can I say? I’m a lover not a fighter.’

  ‘Well, you’re a saviour, anyway. Thanks.’

  ‘You know, I have to go back in there.’

  ‘Oh, your friends, I’m sorry . . .’

  ‘No, doofus. My bag’s in there. Will you wait for me?’

  I nodded. Ed disappeared. On my own I felt suddenly vulnerable again. Ed couldn’t really save me from Tegan. I mean, we had classes together, we caught the same bus, we lived in the same suburb. I was going to have to face her, over and over, all on my own. Ed was sweet and everything, but he already had his friends.

  I swear my skin was prickling just before Spence bowled around the corner. Before I could avert my eyes, he saw me and for a moment everything else faded away.

  He froze, as if he wasn’t quite sure what to do. He took a step towards the music rooms. Then he altered his course and headed straight for me. I looked up into his face, at his crinkling eyes, his grains-of-sand complexion, and I saw uncertainty.

  ‘Ruby-lee, can we talk for a minute? Somewhere private?’

  ‘I’m waiting for someone,’ I said.

  A group of students gathered on the stairs behind me. I glanced back. Tegan stared coolly at me. I turned away from her, but I was aware that she was there, watching.

  ‘Come on, Ruby-lee,’ Spence murmered urgently. ‘It’s important. It’ll just take a few minutes.’

  ‘I can’t.’


  ‘Please?’ His eyes were just like Maisy’s when she wanted something.

  I glanced around for Ed, but there was no sign of him yet. There was only Tegan and Blake and their posse, standing watching me and Spence as if we were a show. Tegan had said I lived in a fantasy world. I’d show her.

  ‘Sure,’ I said to Spence. ‘Let’s go.’ I could feel Tegan’s gaze in the back of my skull. I glanced around at her triumphantly, but it was Ed I saw, slowing to a stop on the wide concrete steps. His arms went up, as if they were asking me a question. I felt instantly ashamed to be seen leaving with Spence. I tried to say sorry with my eyes, but Spence caught my elbow and propelled me away.

  ‘No one will disturb us in here,’ Spence said, leading me into an empty classroom. ‘Why don’t you sit down?’

  I sat, my arms crossed in front of me, my hair sliding over my face. He perched on the desk up the front. For the first time in ages, I remembered he was a teacher and I was a student. Looking up at his face, his warm blue eyes and his soft blonde hair, made my blood churn faster. I hid behind my hair again.

  ‘I wanted to talk to you about what happened at the park yesterday.’

  ‘It’s fine.’ My voice sounded cold, even to me.

  ‘Mum was very upset.’

  Annette was upset? I glared out the window at the gum trees that surrounded the sports fields. ‘She scared me. She scared Maisy too.’

  Spence ruffled up his hair. ‘I’m so sorry. Things are . . .’

  ‘I know. Messy. Complicated.’

  ‘Wow, Ruby-lee. When did you get so bitter? I thought we were on the same side. What’s Colette been saying to you?’

  My voice shook. ‘I’m not on your side. I’m on Maisy’s side. Someone has to be.’

  Spence pulled up a chair and sat opposite me. ‘Please don’t hate me, Ruby-lee,’ he said softly. I wished I could hate him. ‘I’ve made some mistakes. I’m trying to fix them. When you started babysitting Maisy, I thought it wouldn’t hurt anyone if I arranged for Mum to see Maisy on the quiet. Colette would never have to know. Everyone would be happy.’

  ‘I don’t understand why you have to sneak around behind Colette’s back. You’re Maisy’s father.’

  ‘I didn’t ask to be a father. Do you think I want to be stuck here for the rest of my life? Do you think this is the sum total of who I want to be? A music teacher in a ditchwater school that’s so far off the rock’n’roll map it may as well be in Uranus?’ Spence smiled, as if it were meant to be a joke, but there was an edge to his words, a sneer at the corner of his mouth.

  ‘It’s not fair,’ I said. My voice cracked and I pressed my fingers into the corners of my eyes in a vain attempt to hold back the tears. ‘You and Colette have so much going for you. You’re both talented and gorgeous and smart. And the only thing I’ve got . . . the only thing I’ve got going for me is Maisy. And she’s yours. Neither of you seem to care that you have her, and I’d give anything . . . anything . . .’ I grabbed my bag. The tears spilled out.

  Sometimes, alone in my room, when I’d been dreaming about Spence, I’d pictured a scene like this. I’d cry and he would sweep me into his arms. Why is it that in movies crying always seems beautiful? In reality, crying is wet and snotty and ugly. I knew from experience that I didn’t look mysterious or exotic when I cried. My chin looked long and weirdly angular, my face blotchy, my eyes puffy and piggish. I pushed blindly past the desks and chairs, and out into the crowded hallway. Spence didn’t try to stop me. He certainly didn’t sweep me into his arms.

  I glimpsed Ed’s red hair. Don’t let him see me like this too, I prayed. But it was too late.

  ‘Ruby-lee!’ he called.

  I turned and fled up a flight of stairs, ran into the female toilets and huddled in a stall, where I let myself cry and cry. Now on top of everything else I’d made a complete fool of myself in front of Ed, and he probably thought . . . he probably thought I was crying because I was in love with Spence or something.

  And was I? Was I in love with Spence? He didn’t care about Maisy, or me. He only cared about himself. But I couldn’t seem to help the way I felt about Spence, no matter what he did, or didn’t do. Because deep down, I was sure he did care about Maisy. That if he only spent more time with her he would come to see how precious she was. He’d realise that being loved by Maisy was more important than being a famous musician.

  I was still crying when the door to the girls’ toilets squeaked open. ‘Ruby-lee?’ I recognised Beck’s voice. I lifted my feet up, hiding. ‘She’s not in there,’ I heard her say. ‘Let’s go.’

  ‘Ruby-lee?’ This time it was Ed.

  ‘Ed!’ Beck squawked. ‘You can’t go in there!’

  He knocked on the toilet cubicle door. ‘Ruby-lee is that you?’

  I held my breath.

  ‘Ed, you psychopath. It could be anyone. And if it is her she obviously doesn’t want to be found. Let’s go.’

  I waited until I was sure they were gone. Then, using the single-ply institutional toilet paper, I wiped my tears and blew my nose. I ventured out of the stall to the sinks. In the mirror I saw myself, shining chin and drippy nose, stringy hair, swollen eyes.

  ‘I hate you,’ I spat. ‘You’re ugly and stupid. Why would you ever think he would love you?’

  Just then two girls, blonde-haired and super-skinny clones, stepped into the bathroom. I wasn’t sure if they’d heard me. I turned on the tap and washed my hands. They glanced at me and each went into a stall.

  Before I left, I pulled out Tegan’s note, scrumpled it up and thew it in the bin. As I walked out one of the girls exploded into laughter.

  ‘Ssh,’ said the other one. ‘Don’t. She’ll hear you. It’s, like, really sad.’

  I didn’t know which was worse, pity or laughter. I decided it didn’t matter. I was determined to go back to being invisible. I went to English. I didn’t let myself look at Tegan and Blake. I concentrated on disappearing into the furniture, and it must have worked because for once Ms Betts didn’t say a word to me for the whole lesson, even though my written piece on love was three weeks overdue.

  I managed to get through the rest of the week avoiding everyone. I slunk around the school like a nervous cat, leaning into the walls, and running away or ducking into empty rooms whenever I saw Tegan, Spence or Ed. On Tuesday I sat in a toilet cubicle for the whole of lunch and read Romeo and Juliet. On Wednesday the toilets smelt so awful I gagged and had to swallow hard to keep my tuna sandwich down, so I made myself go to the library to research my cultural context essay for Indonesian. On Thursday, I happened upon a free lunchtime seminar in the room above the cafeteria. A woman called Wendy from the Tirraleah Childcare Centre was talking about career opportunities that involved working with children.

  At the end there were free sandwiches and cakes from the cafeteria. ‘I haven’t seen you here before,’ a girl said to me as we both fossicked for our favourite sandwiches. She was vaguely familiar with dark hair and thick-rimmed glasses. ‘Do you want to work with kids?’

  ‘Uh, yeah. I do.’ I hadn’t really thought about it before. I mean, not beyond hanging out with Maisy on Sunday afternoons. But listening to Wendy had made me excited about the future. It was the first time I’d ever heard of a job that I actually thought I’d be any good at. Wendy had said that many centres employed students straight out of Year 12. She told us about traineeships where we could study and work at the same time. I liked the idea of being able to earn money straight after Year 12, and maybe move into the city, like Colette. I’d still be getting a qualification, which would please my mother. And I knew I had a knack for it, not just with Maisy, but with William too.

  ‘Is that why you’re here, ’cause you want to work with kids?’ I asked the girl.

  ‘Nah, I’m more of a dog person. This is my regular haunt.’

  ‘Oh. They have lunchtime sessions often?’

  ‘Sometimes, but I meant the SRC.’ At my blank face she said, ‘The Student Resource Centre.’ I lo
oked around the room at the posters about universities and careers and safe sex and drink-driving. There were tables to sit at, a few computers, some beanbags. ‘It’s a good place to hang out at lunchtime. You can read or study or use the computers and no one bugs you. And they have these talks sometimes, and then afterwards there are free sandwiches and hedgehog. You can make yourself a Milo or tea whenever you want. In the summer there was lemon cordial. And they give out free condoms.’ She shoved another sandwich in her mouth then said, cheeks bulging, ‘I’m Imogen, by the way.’

  ‘I’m Ruby-lee.’ I was trying to look nonchalant about the condoms, as if I used them all the time.

  ‘I know. You’re in my English class.’

  ‘Oh.’ I blushed. ‘Sorry.’ Like I said, she was vaguely familiar, but I didn’t remember her from English, not even after she said it. It occurred to me, briefly, that maybe I wasn’t as invisible as I thought I was. Maybe I was just unobservant. I nibbled thoughtfully at a slice of hedgehog.

  ‘That’s cool. You used to sit with that girl. Now you always sit by yourself. You can sit with me if you want.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  I came away from the seminar with a bunch of pamphlets about TAFE courses, the germinating seed of a plan for the future, and, just maybe, a new friend.

  14

  On Sunday, when Mum began her weekly nag about Colette taking advantage of me, I said, ‘Heaps of people do volunteer work. Besides, this will look good on my application form.’

  ‘What form?’

  ‘When I apply for a traineeship,’ I said smoothly. I told her about the childcare courses, about how I could get a job straight out of Year 12, and even move out if I wanted to. She and Stefan could have the house to themselves, for the first time since they got married.

  ‘Oh, Rubes,’ Mum sighed. ‘I’m glad you like babysitting so much, but are you sure you want to make a career out of it?’

  ‘It’s not just babysitting!’ I said. ‘In just a few years, after I’ve qualified, I could be the supervisor of my own childcare room, I could have a team of people working for me! I could even travel if I wanted. There are lots of jobs for qualified nannies overseas, and I have that money from Dad, so that’d pay for my airfare.’